Newsstand Junkie: When Jennifer Aniston Barks, Brangelina Bites

This week's 'zines have conjured various stories reacting to Jen's "vicious" comments that Angelina Jolie may be less than cool. "Furious Brad: Shut Up, Jen" blares Star's cover. "How Angelina Tortures Jen," promises Us. Life & Style dares to be different ... Is there really a brewing "‘Twilight' Romance"? Find out ...

"Aniston continues to pick at the scabs of her broken marriage," reads this week's metaphor-loving Us Weekly cover article. "And Angelina Jolie continues her death-by-a-thousand-cuts in the form of cutesy — but damning — asides." "Asides" such as saying how much she loves the father of her six kids. Cutesy indeed!

Nicole Richie and stylist Rachel Zoe have made up, say the mags. Rachel has decided to forget the time that Nicole called her a "raisin face." Nicole has decided to remember the time that Rachel had her own TV show and she didn't. Because that time is now.

Whoa! Emily Blunt of "The Devil Wears ­Prada" fame is "quietly seeing" John Krasinski  of "The Office," says Star. I hope she's doing it quietly enough to hear the ping-ping-ping from the breaking hearts of Jim Halpert fans everywhere.

Former "Bachelor" winner Mary ­Delgado was charged with public intoxication, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct after she refused to leave a Texas bar, saying it was her "constitutional right" to stay. Had she been in California, she might have been right. That constitution is more flexible.

Part two of the Taylor Swift  breakup phone call epic. Ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas says, contrary to reports, he didn't dump her in a 27-second convo — that's just how long it took her to hang up on him. Duh, because she needed to start calling the press.

Meanwhile, Jonas is so obsessed with his outfits that he has a full-size look-alike mannequin for trying them on every night. "He even goes as far as putting his Ray-Bans on the fake Joe," a source tells Star. Right now the mannequin is wearing a Taylor Swift T-shirt, extra chastity rings and a fresh patina of tears.

Mischa Barton  is "furious," says Star, because in the middle of trying to claw her way back into the spotlight with a line of "high-end headbands," Nicole Richie created her own "hair-jewelry." Not to be outdone, ­Paris Hilton will shortly be releasing a line of "hairjewelbandery."

This week in Star's "Double Takes," Heidi Klum and Britney Spears are caught wearing the same dress. Heidi wins — not least because Britney has paired the dress with snow boots and is wandering aimlessly in a mall.

The mags have photos of the inside of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel's new Tribeca condo, including a shot of the floor-to-ceiling windows in the bathroom. This wasn't what Jessica expected when Justin told her that, as his girlfriend, she'd have to get used to public scrutiny.

Dad Jamie Spears refused to foot the bill for Britney's Christmas card photo shoot, says Star. He drew the line when her plans to "rent real reindeer and buy fake snow" upped the tab to $20,000, and when he could no longer stand her dismay upon learning the reindeer wouldn't fly.

Chris Brown has nicknamed his girlfriend ­Rihanna  "Beauty" while she calls him "­Rebel," says Star, assuring readers that the names are extremely secret. So secret, in fact, that it's possible neither Rihanna nor Chris Brown has heard of them.

Lindsay Lohan fumed, says Star, when "­eager ladies" threw their panties into her girlfriend Samantha Ronson's deejay booth in a London nightclub and then started ­passing their bar tabs to Sam with phone numbers scrawled on them. To retaliate, Lindsay smiled at a waiter, instantly creating 10 pregnancy ­rumors and a U.K. tabloid story about how she denounced lesbianism.

Star uses a shot of 15-year-old runaway Jenny Humphrey from "Gossip Girl" as an inroad to a story about ... cute luggage! Marvelously shameless.

On naming his soon-to-be-born baby daughter, Rufus Humphrey — er, I mean actor Matthew Settle — says, "I like ‘Jax.' I think hot chicks with androgynous names are cool." And I think dads who refer to their unborn daughters as "hot chicks" are troubling.

Both Heidi and Spencer of "The Hills" get their hair done by the same guy before they leave the house every morning. Which is odd because while I assumed Heidi had a personal hairstylist, I assumed Spencer had a groomer.

Speaking of dogs, Lauren ­Conrad's pooch Chloe is "frenemies" with ­her cat Ashes, reports In Touch. "But," says L.C., "I think they will become friends." You know, they'll end up at the same parties, fumble through a simple cooking project, share a few tears about how hard they tried to like Audrina and then, bam, friends!

Britney Spears' song about her former ­lover, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib, includes the lyrics: "You love it when I'm freaking out." Which is, like, so not true. He only loves it when she's freaking out on camera.

The all-encompassing tour of Robert ­Pattinson (l., below) overexposure continues. This week: an interview in Star with the director who gave the "Twilight" actor his first theater role. It was in "Our Town," just like everyone else's first theater role, but with dirtier hair.

And finally, Life & Style does everything they can to whip up that behind-the-scenes romance between Pattinson and co-star Kristen Stewart. They end up with a mishmash of quotes about how he tried to slip her tongue in their kissing scene and how her actual boyfriend might be mad. So it's nothing the mag should stake its reputation on. HA! (Sorry, that joke bites.) (I should stop before I suck all the humor out of this.) (No, ­really, enough with these killer puns.) (Fang you very much, I'll be back next week.)

Celeb speak

In one bedroom scene "he rolls over me and goes to sleep. It was like a tree trunk had landed on me."— Reese ­Witherspoon to Us ­Weekly about how much she loved working with Vince Vaughn in "Four Christmases"

Do you believe it?

Female staff members at the "Dr. Phil" show have to flat-iron their hair every morning because the talk doc can't stand curls, says Star. "When a girl with wavy hair is hired, she's cautioned immediately about Dr. Phil's odd pet peeve," whispers a source. If this is true, the thrashing Oprah gave James Frey is going to seem like child's play.

This week we learned ...

... that while the mags were wondering if Fergie's weight gain can explain her enormous change in boob size, kite-surfer David Sheridan was knocked off his surfboard by a whale. But the camera on his kite got a sweet picture of it!

By the numbers

This week, In Touch's readers school Kanye on his claim that "When Justin [Timberlake] went on vacation, I made albums. ... I will go down as the voice of this generation." Well, 68% think Justin is the ­bigger star. Also, 91% think Raffaello ­Follieri should quit whining about jail and 55% are still on Taylor Swift's side of the Swift-Jonas ­breakup.

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